I was reading through some old posts and I found one that really made me think. It was from February of 2006, so about a year and a half ago...almost two years.
February 21, 2006
I find myself wondering what exactly love is. What is real peace? What is the kind of love that has you wanting to give everything of yourself for the sake of something else?...for someone else? To me, real peace and love are the experiences we have in life. The silent moments where everything else fades away…the moments that make you gasp in the sheer joy of being alive. When your stomach jumps and actually starts hurting because of something beautiful that someone amazingly special says to you. The surprise and complete joy that is found in the smallest words of love is what living is all about. Silent moments at the park, alone, swinging on the swings and quietly watching a new mother playing with her toddler in the grass. The clouds gently floating across the sky ~ moved along by the gentle breeze that makes you want to close your eyes and simply…fly. The crisp, lonely nights when you get into your car and drive in the darkness…no one else is around. The world seems oblivious to your existence. The streetlights are dim, the breeze dies down…and you’re alone; except for the light on the top of the mountain. That single glow that lets you know that there is someone else. You are not alone even on the darkest nights. When the snow is falling down…heavy…slowly…and you step outside and stand in the middle of the street. All is calm and as you close your eyes and simply take in the simplistic beauty…the simple knowledge that you could stand there forever. Tears start to find their way onto your cheeks as you stand there in the middle of the road on the snowy, peaceful night. You wonder what the future holds for you. You wonder if you will ever have a moment like this again. A moment where you feel so in love with life simply because you are alive. The heavy snowflakes repeatedly find their way onto your cold face yet you feel nothing. The tears warm a path down your quiet face. You are here right now…and that’s all you need. Even the moments of pain can show beauty, love, peace…when the tears relentlessly race each other down your cheeks and find themselves falling onto your pillow at night. Can there not be peace there as well? When you find yourself with your arms held tightly across yourself in a type of hug…a hug desperately hoping and needing…crying out for relief and strength to keep going. When you find yourself lying in bed and all else is quiet except for the cries in your heart. And the questions…the questions that rise from no where and cry out for answers. When you’re lying on your floor surrounded by nothing but space…endless space. And the soft, gentle music that sings out from your stereo. Aren’t those moments times to look back on and think…at that moment in time…I was living. I am alive ~ I experience pain; I not only find, but I look for beauty. And I find it. I find it in silence, in laughter, in pain, in joy. I have found love and peace in the most remarkable places and it is that knowledge…to know that love and peace are mine to find and to hold to…that keeps me going. Maybe love is who you find yourself with…the memories you make…simply…being still and knowing that you are here today for a reason. You are beautiful. And shouldn’t that be enough to have love. Love is who we become as we live, learn, press onwards to the goal God has called us to. God is love…and he’s allowed us to experience little pieces of him. Right here….right now. So grab on tight…experience beauty…accept quiet peaceful moments…and just love.
I was just reading this and at first I yearned for the girl who wrote that. I yearned to be her again and to feel that hope and that innocence. Because that's a girl who is innocent. I wanted so badly to return to being that girl. But then I realized that no...I would never want to go back. Because the views and perspectives that I have today are who I am now. I was just thinking...I wrote this before I had ever been in any sort of relationship. Before I realized the work and the heartache that sometimes goes along with love. This was written before I had been to Africa. Before I saw the hundreds of children with AIDS and then looked at the faces of the ones caring for them. The men and women who committed their whole lives to loving these children...all the while knowing that these children's lives wouldn't be long at all. I wrote this before I held a 7 year old girl trapped in the AIDS riden body of a 3 year old. I held that darling girl and as I looked into her eyes, I saw such pain and hopelessness. Yet I watched that same girl scoot forward next to her aunt while silently asking to be prayed over by our pastor. I held her last March. When I went back in September, she was dead. I wrote this before I heard the testimony of our pastor in Zimbabwe. His story of how he, as a 9 year old boy, walked in on his father after he had committed suicide. How this pastor was beaten and broken but then found Jesus. He is completely in love with Jesus Christ and now he has a church, runs an orphanage, runs a shop from which the proceeds go directly to the orphanage...I have never before met such a man. I wrote this before I learned what it was like to be lied to...hurt beyond anything I could have imagined. So I don't wish I could return to that girl I was in February 2006. I've seen more now..God's allowed me to get a bigger picture. I now realize that love isn't always fluffy and magical. Of course it is at times. But love...the kind of love that never will fade...isn't defined in feelings or in situations. Real love is messy. Real love gets dirty. Real love is fierce beyond all previous experiences. Real love is sacrificing. Real love is a choice. And real love hurts at times. I want to be a girl who goes through life really loving people. I will get hurt in it, I will get dirty, and I may not have the picket fence life that every girl imagines herself having. But I imagine that someday, when I'm dying and about to meet my Savior face to face, I won't regret having loved people with a real love...the dirty, messy, painful, sacrificing love that Christ showed me on the cross 2000 years ago.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
This is a post from March 29, 2006...shortly before I left for Zimbabwe the first time.
"Tonight I wondered if the stars I'll see in Africa are completely different stars than the ones here. I wonder if African stars are brighter. I guess I'll find out soon. <3"
African stars, I've decided, are brighter. They may not technically be all that different but when you're riding in the back of a pickup truck, smushed in between your new friend from Texas and your new friend from Zimbabwe, all 20 people in the back of that truck bed singing praise and worship songs without holding back and the tears are streaming down your face because you realize that there's no where else in the world you'd rather be...and you look up at the stars above you with no lights on earth to distract from the glorious heavens...the stars really are brighter.
Those moments in the truck in Africa are moments I will never, ever forget. That's where I made my closest friends. I remember sitting next to Willie on the first trip and he just starts singing to me that song, "Friends are Friends Forever." The truck is where I met Mike and we had hour long conversations about life, God, church, evangelism, relationships...Some of my favorite moments were when Dani and I would stand up in the back of the truck while we're flying down the bumpy, dusty, incredibly beautiful African roads heading to a school to show the Jesus Film at night. We would pass the Zimbabwe people on the way to the school and the children would scream and chase after us calling out the Shona words for "crazy white people". The wind would hit our faces and at times it would be so cold...tears would fall out of our eyes because the wind was burning them. But we didn't care in the least. My soul felt energized and my entire being knew that I was receiving a little piece of heaven on earth. I hadn't washed my hair in a week, I was dusty and dirty, I knew the wind in my hair was definitely not helping my condition any...but nothing mattered except living in that moment. Because it was a me and God moment. It was like he put me on that truck in Africa and said, "My precious girl...in this moment I want to adore you and pour myself into you. And I want you to do the same to me. Bask in my love. Don't question it, don't try to figure anything out. Just bask in Me...your first love." I will treasure those moments forever. I was so nervous about that first trip. I almost backed out several times. But I knew that if I did back out, I would always wonder, "What if I had listened?"
The first trip over there was defintely the most impactful trip for me. I remember on the plane ride over I did nothing but read my Bible and pray. I would stop at times and just wonder...'what am I doing? Is this real? I'm a crazy girl.' From London to Zimbabwe I had the window seat and the aisle seat to myself...the only two seats put together. I remember lying across the seats with my Bible opened on my lap just looking outside the airplane window. I remember it because we were directly over Paris at the time. I felt the most incredible peace that I've ever felt in my entire existance. My God, you've blessed me so much! I am so glad that you rescued me from the mundane life I had put myself into...the boring, routine life I found so much comfort in. But the day my parents told me, "Alecia...Lisa Williams from church wants to know if yo'ud like to go to Zimbabwe with her. You won't have showers or toilets and you'll have to sleep on the ground. We know you probably aren't interested but we would feel bad if we just told her no and didn't ask you first,"...that day you grabbed my heart, Jesus. The moment they told me about it, I knew I would be going. Oh, how I dreaded that knowledge. How I hated it. But I knew...and I knew that I could not say no if everything within me knew I had to go. My parents regretting telling me about it for the longest time and when they found out I was considering it...I think I scared them to death. But God brought them to a point where they were good with it...and he brought me to a point where I knew I was doing what I had to do..regardless of my fears. The night before I left for Zimbabwe, I was throwing up I was so nervous. I cried for hours and hours. At the church the next morning...I didnt' cry but I wanted to run away so badly. But then God moved and used every single moment there to teach me something new...something about Himself. The people...so beautiful. Africa has this way of luring one in until it reaches inside your soul and grabs on to your heart...never to let go. How my heart yearns...breaks....I don't have the words to describe how badly I wish I was there at this very moment. Jesus how beautiful you are. I am so glad that you are the same God...my God and my African brothers' and sisters' God. I can't help but look at the stars without thinking of Africa and my calling. Because the stars almost seem to whisper to me...I believe it's God whispering to his children on earth. And if we'll stop for just a moment, he will speak.
"Tonight I wondered if the stars I'll see in Africa are completely different stars than the ones here. I wonder if African stars are brighter. I guess I'll find out soon. <3"
African stars, I've decided, are brighter. They may not technically be all that different but when you're riding in the back of a pickup truck, smushed in between your new friend from Texas and your new friend from Zimbabwe, all 20 people in the back of that truck bed singing praise and worship songs without holding back and the tears are streaming down your face because you realize that there's no where else in the world you'd rather be...and you look up at the stars above you with no lights on earth to distract from the glorious heavens...the stars really are brighter.
Those moments in the truck in Africa are moments I will never, ever forget. That's where I made my closest friends. I remember sitting next to Willie on the first trip and he just starts singing to me that song, "Friends are Friends Forever." The truck is where I met Mike and we had hour long conversations about life, God, church, evangelism, relationships...Some of my favorite moments were when Dani and I would stand up in the back of the truck while we're flying down the bumpy, dusty, incredibly beautiful African roads heading to a school to show the Jesus Film at night. We would pass the Zimbabwe people on the way to the school and the children would scream and chase after us calling out the Shona words for "crazy white people". The wind would hit our faces and at times it would be so cold...tears would fall out of our eyes because the wind was burning them. But we didn't care in the least. My soul felt energized and my entire being knew that I was receiving a little piece of heaven on earth. I hadn't washed my hair in a week, I was dusty and dirty, I knew the wind in my hair was definitely not helping my condition any...but nothing mattered except living in that moment. Because it was a me and God moment. It was like he put me on that truck in Africa and said, "My precious girl...in this moment I want to adore you and pour myself into you. And I want you to do the same to me. Bask in my love. Don't question it, don't try to figure anything out. Just bask in Me...your first love." I will treasure those moments forever. I was so nervous about that first trip. I almost backed out several times. But I knew that if I did back out, I would always wonder, "What if I had listened?"
The first trip over there was defintely the most impactful trip for me. I remember on the plane ride over I did nothing but read my Bible and pray. I would stop at times and just wonder...'what am I doing? Is this real? I'm a crazy girl.' From London to Zimbabwe I had the window seat and the aisle seat to myself...the only two seats put together. I remember lying across the seats with my Bible opened on my lap just looking outside the airplane window. I remember it because we were directly over Paris at the time. I felt the most incredible peace that I've ever felt in my entire existance. My God, you've blessed me so much! I am so glad that you rescued me from the mundane life I had put myself into...the boring, routine life I found so much comfort in. But the day my parents told me, "Alecia...Lisa Williams from church wants to know if yo'ud like to go to Zimbabwe with her. You won't have showers or toilets and you'll have to sleep on the ground. We know you probably aren't interested but we would feel bad if we just told her no and didn't ask you first,"...that day you grabbed my heart, Jesus. The moment they told me about it, I knew I would be going. Oh, how I dreaded that knowledge. How I hated it. But I knew...and I knew that I could not say no if everything within me knew I had to go. My parents regretting telling me about it for the longest time and when they found out I was considering it...I think I scared them to death. But God brought them to a point where they were good with it...and he brought me to a point where I knew I was doing what I had to do..regardless of my fears. The night before I left for Zimbabwe, I was throwing up I was so nervous. I cried for hours and hours. At the church the next morning...I didnt' cry but I wanted to run away so badly. But then God moved and used every single moment there to teach me something new...something about Himself. The people...so beautiful. Africa has this way of luring one in until it reaches inside your soul and grabs on to your heart...never to let go. How my heart yearns...breaks....I don't have the words to describe how badly I wish I was there at this very moment. Jesus how beautiful you are. I am so glad that you are the same God...my God and my African brothers' and sisters' God. I can't help but look at the stars without thinking of Africa and my calling. Because the stars almost seem to whisper to me...I believe it's God whispering to his children on earth. And if we'll stop for just a moment, he will speak.
This is my new blog site!
I'll be using it often just to write down and sort through all of the thoughts that fill my head. aka This is just another procrastination tool. But eh, the way I'm figuring it, the more thoughts I get out of my head before I start my school work, the more room there will be to focus simply on school. Yeah right.
Anyways, first real blog coming soon.
<3
I'll be using it often just to write down and sort through all of the thoughts that fill my head. aka This is just another procrastination tool. But eh, the way I'm figuring it, the more thoughts I get out of my head before I start my school work, the more room there will be to focus simply on school. Yeah right.
Anyways, first real blog coming soon.
<3
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