Tuesday, October 16, 2007
*LoVe*
I think that for one day...today...I had lost focus. It's amazing how quickly that can happen. I once again found myself trying to make my life fit together exactly as I see it fit. And once again God reminded me to give it up! My goodness...there's no where else I desire to be at this very moment than wrapped up in the arms of my Jesus. I want to be there so badly...
Monday, October 15, 2007
In Control
Earlier this week I was talking to a friend of mine that I went with to Africa this past year and he's going back to Zimbabwe in May. He and I were a team who did a day of door to doors last time and I'm so excited to see him go back. Africa really touched his heart and he loved it there. He was even saying that he's gotten 20 more people for future trips! How awesome is that. It's so strange to me how things work out and change. I'm trying not to let it seem that way, but it was almost like Zimbabwe was a season of my life. It caused me to have to grow up and open my eyes to new perspectives. Something that I struggled with since I was in private schools and homeschooled my entire life. At the same time though, maybe this is just a way in which God wants to show me how powerful he is again. From my point of view, I see Zimbabwe as being over because of my connect person distancing herself from me and all the other CO Spgs people. Maybe though...God is showing me that it's not about a connect person...I didn't go because of them. I went because God called me to Zimbabwe...he wanted me there. I need to realize that while Africa may have just been a chapter in my life and God will use that passion later on down the road...it is not because of a person that that chapter is over. I will go where I go, when I go, because a God bigger than my circumstances has called me there. Now that doesnt' mean it's not hard, but I do know that he's in control. What a reassuring thought :o)
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Breathing!
I'm pretty stressed right now and I think I just need a few minutes to write whatever happens to come out on paper. There just seems to be so much and honestly, I wouldn't trade any of it! (Except maybe all my homework...yeah, I would definitely trade that in).
I have my classes at school which are really kicking my butt this semester I'm sorry to say. With 18 credit hours, I knew to expect this though. I really do adore learning, but honestly, I'm more of a self taught personality. That's what I did all through high school...I taught myself every single subject without any help except in math when I had a tutor for a semester. But now coming here and having people tell me how I'm going to learn something...it's difficult. Especially when I'm so visual. But I'm doing alright. I'm going to push through and I will pass! And I will get my Master's degree. I'm pretty adament on that. Because that's when I feel I'll actually have the opportunity to learn what it is that I'm passionate about and what I want to spend the rest of my life doing...learning how to most effectively reach the lost and motivate the saved to want to reach the lost...and to encourage people! So someday...I will have the opportunity to pour my life into studying that. This now is simply a way to teach me to be disciplined.
Work is going really well...when I'm actually working haha. They are making me a trainer which is good for applications so I'm accepting it. My coworkers are the friends that I have the most fun with. Seriously, I love hanging out with them. I have such a witnessing opportunity there as well. One other girl and I are the only Christians there so it's such a good opportunity. I make pretty good money there as well plus the people I meet! My goodness...I could spend all of my time just listening to people and learning their stories. Everyone has a story I have decided. It's funny because at times, even during class, I'll be sitting there listening to a lecture and I'll begin to wonder about my professors and their life stories. Who are they? How did they get to where they are? Who is their family? What do they love to do when they have free time? It's slightly pathetic in my opinion that I would be so curious and I haven't told anyone about it because they'd think I was trying to suck up to the professors. haha which wouldn't hurt me at all, trust me, I need it, but that's most definitely not what it is. People just fascinate me.
Interning...my goodness. I can't wait to spend an entire weekend with my Freshmen girls. They are like little sisters to me. God has been laying on my heart the desire to get through to these girls what it means to be a godly, young woman. It doesn't even have anything to do with the lessons we'll be having this weekend. But these girls need to know that they are beautiful young women. They need someone to look up to in the way of being pure...how it is possible to be pure, passionate, lovely, and so in love with Jesus. They don't have to be perfect...all God wants, and all I want, is them to be them. It breaks my heart to look at those girls and see self doubt, uncertainty, sadness, masks...I have been there! My goodness I was the epitomy of an awkward teenage girl who felt she was anything but beautiful or sought after. That's what those girls need...they need to know that they are worth being chased after. They are worth getting to know. They are worth being romanced and they are worth being pursued. So many of them don't feel that yet they desire it, as all women do. They are silently begging for attention from the other youth in their lives..both boys and girls. So that is my prayer for this weekend...that somehow God is able to use me to show these girls just how precious they are.
Clint! What a blessing he is to me. What a breathe of fresh air to know that there is a godly man out there with whom I am willing to take a chance on giving my heart to. And it's so much fun! I love just talking, hanging out...doing absolutely nothing! I love it. I've developed what my family calls the "Clint Giggle". According to them I laugh and smile differently when I'm talking about him. Even when I'm not talking about him, they can tell when I'm thinking about him because of my smile. I really need to work on hiding that! haha We're both so incredibly busy and it's difficult to make sure that we actually get some time together, whether in person or on the phone, but we're both committed to it. I knew it was going to be very hard and I wasn't sure if we'd be able to make it work. But we have so far! Some days we only get to talk for a little while, other times we both are free for longer (or we choose to be free for longer haha) and we talk for hours. Sometimes it's hard for me to realize that he's real and that he is my boyfriend. That sounds so strange but at times it's almost like he's a voice on the phone. I know that there is a person on the other end, and I have pictures of course. But still when I see him, it takes me a little while to realize that yes, this is your boyfriend, yes you know him. I'm still getting used to the idea that my Clint is 6'3", has short brown hair, brown laughing eyes, a smile that makes me want to hug him every time I see it...he's a real person! haha I know that it will get easier once we see each other more often. I just feel silly even writing this out :o) God really has blessed me though. He brought Clint to me at an amazing time and I firmly believe that God knew exactly what He was doing. I'm just such a happy girl! :o)
I tried hanging out with Anneka yesterday...I went over to her house for dinner. All she talked about was all of our friend's plans for the next few months...and it was made quite clear that I was not invited. I left her house crying (again! haha). It was so good though because Dannie called me a little while after I got home and said that she wanted us to talk about some things. She's in that group of friends so I'm hoping things start to smooth out. Maybe she has some suggestions. So we're meeting at Panera tomorrow afternoon before we have band practice. I'm so worried about Dannie though...she's had this really bad infection for months now and she refuses to go to the doctor. Now her mom moved to California and she has no insurance. My mom helped me do some research on her options and she can go to UCCS's doctor for under $100. Mom even thinks that her infection has backed up into her kidneys. I'm so scared for my girl. So I called Nate and told him what we found out and he promises to talk to Dannie. If she still says no because of the money issues, my mom and I are paying for her doctor's bills. Because if she ends up collapsing because she gets so sick, the ER won't be cheaper..I know that much. Nate and I have actually gotten closer through all of this drama going on...which is so good...he's an amazing friend and I can tell he's worried about the situation going on with all of us. It'll all work out...I know God has a plan for all of this. Maybe it'll even make us stronger in the end. Plus, I've been spending more time (when I can find it) with some other girls that I haven't spent much time with in the past. So God has a plan and I'm trying to keep on trusting.
Alright...time to get back to studying! Zephaniah 3:17
I have my classes at school which are really kicking my butt this semester I'm sorry to say. With 18 credit hours, I knew to expect this though. I really do adore learning, but honestly, I'm more of a self taught personality. That's what I did all through high school...I taught myself every single subject without any help except in math when I had a tutor for a semester. But now coming here and having people tell me how I'm going to learn something...it's difficult. Especially when I'm so visual. But I'm doing alright. I'm going to push through and I will pass! And I will get my Master's degree. I'm pretty adament on that. Because that's when I feel I'll actually have the opportunity to learn what it is that I'm passionate about and what I want to spend the rest of my life doing...learning how to most effectively reach the lost and motivate the saved to want to reach the lost...and to encourage people! So someday...I will have the opportunity to pour my life into studying that. This now is simply a way to teach me to be disciplined.
Work is going really well...when I'm actually working haha. They are making me a trainer which is good for applications so I'm accepting it. My coworkers are the friends that I have the most fun with. Seriously, I love hanging out with them. I have such a witnessing opportunity there as well. One other girl and I are the only Christians there so it's such a good opportunity. I make pretty good money there as well plus the people I meet! My goodness...I could spend all of my time just listening to people and learning their stories. Everyone has a story I have decided. It's funny because at times, even during class, I'll be sitting there listening to a lecture and I'll begin to wonder about my professors and their life stories. Who are they? How did they get to where they are? Who is their family? What do they love to do when they have free time? It's slightly pathetic in my opinion that I would be so curious and I haven't told anyone about it because they'd think I was trying to suck up to the professors. haha which wouldn't hurt me at all, trust me, I need it, but that's most definitely not what it is. People just fascinate me.
Interning...my goodness. I can't wait to spend an entire weekend with my Freshmen girls. They are like little sisters to me. God has been laying on my heart the desire to get through to these girls what it means to be a godly, young woman. It doesn't even have anything to do with the lessons we'll be having this weekend. But these girls need to know that they are beautiful young women. They need someone to look up to in the way of being pure...how it is possible to be pure, passionate, lovely, and so in love with Jesus. They don't have to be perfect...all God wants, and all I want, is them to be them. It breaks my heart to look at those girls and see self doubt, uncertainty, sadness, masks...I have been there! My goodness I was the epitomy of an awkward teenage girl who felt she was anything but beautiful or sought after. That's what those girls need...they need to know that they are worth being chased after. They are worth getting to know. They are worth being romanced and they are worth being pursued. So many of them don't feel that yet they desire it, as all women do. They are silently begging for attention from the other youth in their lives..both boys and girls. So that is my prayer for this weekend...that somehow God is able to use me to show these girls just how precious they are.
Clint! What a blessing he is to me. What a breathe of fresh air to know that there is a godly man out there with whom I am willing to take a chance on giving my heart to. And it's so much fun! I love just talking, hanging out...doing absolutely nothing! I love it. I've developed what my family calls the "Clint Giggle". According to them I laugh and smile differently when I'm talking about him. Even when I'm not talking about him, they can tell when I'm thinking about him because of my smile. I really need to work on hiding that! haha We're both so incredibly busy and it's difficult to make sure that we actually get some time together, whether in person or on the phone, but we're both committed to it. I knew it was going to be very hard and I wasn't sure if we'd be able to make it work. But we have so far! Some days we only get to talk for a little while, other times we both are free for longer (or we choose to be free for longer haha) and we talk for hours. Sometimes it's hard for me to realize that he's real and that he is my boyfriend. That sounds so strange but at times it's almost like he's a voice on the phone. I know that there is a person on the other end, and I have pictures of course. But still when I see him, it takes me a little while to realize that yes, this is your boyfriend, yes you know him. I'm still getting used to the idea that my Clint is 6'3", has short brown hair, brown laughing eyes, a smile that makes me want to hug him every time I see it...he's a real person! haha I know that it will get easier once we see each other more often. I just feel silly even writing this out :o) God really has blessed me though. He brought Clint to me at an amazing time and I firmly believe that God knew exactly what He was doing. I'm just such a happy girl! :o)
I tried hanging out with Anneka yesterday...I went over to her house for dinner. All she talked about was all of our friend's plans for the next few months...and it was made quite clear that I was not invited. I left her house crying (again! haha). It was so good though because Dannie called me a little while after I got home and said that she wanted us to talk about some things. She's in that group of friends so I'm hoping things start to smooth out. Maybe she has some suggestions. So we're meeting at Panera tomorrow afternoon before we have band practice. I'm so worried about Dannie though...she's had this really bad infection for months now and she refuses to go to the doctor. Now her mom moved to California and she has no insurance. My mom helped me do some research on her options and she can go to UCCS's doctor for under $100. Mom even thinks that her infection has backed up into her kidneys. I'm so scared for my girl. So I called Nate and told him what we found out and he promises to talk to Dannie. If she still says no because of the money issues, my mom and I are paying for her doctor's bills. Because if she ends up collapsing because she gets so sick, the ER won't be cheaper..I know that much. Nate and I have actually gotten closer through all of this drama going on...which is so good...he's an amazing friend and I can tell he's worried about the situation going on with all of us. It'll all work out...I know God has a plan for all of this. Maybe it'll even make us stronger in the end. Plus, I've been spending more time (when I can find it) with some other girls that I haven't spent much time with in the past. So God has a plan and I'm trying to keep on trusting.
Alright...time to get back to studying! Zephaniah 3:17
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