Sometimes in life, things don't make sense. The burden of trying to figure everything out is overwhelming and is best left well enough alone. Even when I think that I have made sense of one area in my life, God shows up and completely changes everything again. He leads me moment by moment, step by step, in the direction that he deems good in order to make his will for my life lay out before me. As soon as I determine to obey in one area and I make myself available, he shows me one more step and challenges me in one more way. I told him that I was his to take wherever in the world he wanted. Now that I feel like I have a small amount of things, people, or circumstances to make me emotionally separate from desiring the will of God, I didn't figure it'd make much of a difference anyways. I've already sacrificed things that would be so easy to hold on to in an attempt to live in God's will. If I have given up things that I love in pursuit of his passion for my life, isn't it worth it to go all the way in attaining that?
I feel so restless to begin the next step in my life. I know that God has so much to teach me and I know that the lessons I will be learning over the next few weeks and months will help to shape me into the woman of God he invisions me to be. Yet today I am here and today is where I will try to keep my thoughts focused on. Because today brings enough lessons of its own.
There are so many decisions to make...do I go to CCU? CSU? Bethel? I still have no idea as to where I will end up. All I can do is continue to try and remain faithful.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
I like this :o)
A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?"
"Because I'm a woman," she told him.
"I don't understand," he said.
His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."
Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.
Finally he put in a call to God.
When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"
God said:"When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.
I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.
I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."
"Because I'm a woman," she told him.
"I don't understand," he said.
His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."
Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.
Finally he put in a call to God.
When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"
God said:"When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.
I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.
I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
*LoVe*
I think that for one day...today...I had lost focus. It's amazing how quickly that can happen. I once again found myself trying to make my life fit together exactly as I see it fit. And once again God reminded me to give it up! My goodness...there's no where else I desire to be at this very moment than wrapped up in the arms of my Jesus. I want to be there so badly...
Monday, October 15, 2007
In Control
Earlier this week I was talking to a friend of mine that I went with to Africa this past year and he's going back to Zimbabwe in May. He and I were a team who did a day of door to doors last time and I'm so excited to see him go back. Africa really touched his heart and he loved it there. He was even saying that he's gotten 20 more people for future trips! How awesome is that. It's so strange to me how things work out and change. I'm trying not to let it seem that way, but it was almost like Zimbabwe was a season of my life. It caused me to have to grow up and open my eyes to new perspectives. Something that I struggled with since I was in private schools and homeschooled my entire life. At the same time though, maybe this is just a way in which God wants to show me how powerful he is again. From my point of view, I see Zimbabwe as being over because of my connect person distancing herself from me and all the other CO Spgs people. Maybe though...God is showing me that it's not about a connect person...I didn't go because of them. I went because God called me to Zimbabwe...he wanted me there. I need to realize that while Africa may have just been a chapter in my life and God will use that passion later on down the road...it is not because of a person that that chapter is over. I will go where I go, when I go, because a God bigger than my circumstances has called me there. Now that doesnt' mean it's not hard, but I do know that he's in control. What a reassuring thought :o)
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Breathing!
I'm pretty stressed right now and I think I just need a few minutes to write whatever happens to come out on paper. There just seems to be so much and honestly, I wouldn't trade any of it! (Except maybe all my homework...yeah, I would definitely trade that in).
I have my classes at school which are really kicking my butt this semester I'm sorry to say. With 18 credit hours, I knew to expect this though. I really do adore learning, but honestly, I'm more of a self taught personality. That's what I did all through high school...I taught myself every single subject without any help except in math when I had a tutor for a semester. But now coming here and having people tell me how I'm going to learn something...it's difficult. Especially when I'm so visual. But I'm doing alright. I'm going to push through and I will pass! And I will get my Master's degree. I'm pretty adament on that. Because that's when I feel I'll actually have the opportunity to learn what it is that I'm passionate about and what I want to spend the rest of my life doing...learning how to most effectively reach the lost and motivate the saved to want to reach the lost...and to encourage people! So someday...I will have the opportunity to pour my life into studying that. This now is simply a way to teach me to be disciplined.
Work is going really well...when I'm actually working haha. They are making me a trainer which is good for applications so I'm accepting it. My coworkers are the friends that I have the most fun with. Seriously, I love hanging out with them. I have such a witnessing opportunity there as well. One other girl and I are the only Christians there so it's such a good opportunity. I make pretty good money there as well plus the people I meet! My goodness...I could spend all of my time just listening to people and learning their stories. Everyone has a story I have decided. It's funny because at times, even during class, I'll be sitting there listening to a lecture and I'll begin to wonder about my professors and their life stories. Who are they? How did they get to where they are? Who is their family? What do they love to do when they have free time? It's slightly pathetic in my opinion that I would be so curious and I haven't told anyone about it because they'd think I was trying to suck up to the professors. haha which wouldn't hurt me at all, trust me, I need it, but that's most definitely not what it is. People just fascinate me.
Interning...my goodness. I can't wait to spend an entire weekend with my Freshmen girls. They are like little sisters to me. God has been laying on my heart the desire to get through to these girls what it means to be a godly, young woman. It doesn't even have anything to do with the lessons we'll be having this weekend. But these girls need to know that they are beautiful young women. They need someone to look up to in the way of being pure...how it is possible to be pure, passionate, lovely, and so in love with Jesus. They don't have to be perfect...all God wants, and all I want, is them to be them. It breaks my heart to look at those girls and see self doubt, uncertainty, sadness, masks...I have been there! My goodness I was the epitomy of an awkward teenage girl who felt she was anything but beautiful or sought after. That's what those girls need...they need to know that they are worth being chased after. They are worth getting to know. They are worth being romanced and they are worth being pursued. So many of them don't feel that yet they desire it, as all women do. They are silently begging for attention from the other youth in their lives..both boys and girls. So that is my prayer for this weekend...that somehow God is able to use me to show these girls just how precious they are.
Clint! What a blessing he is to me. What a breathe of fresh air to know that there is a godly man out there with whom I am willing to take a chance on giving my heart to. And it's so much fun! I love just talking, hanging out...doing absolutely nothing! I love it. I've developed what my family calls the "Clint Giggle". According to them I laugh and smile differently when I'm talking about him. Even when I'm not talking about him, they can tell when I'm thinking about him because of my smile. I really need to work on hiding that! haha We're both so incredibly busy and it's difficult to make sure that we actually get some time together, whether in person or on the phone, but we're both committed to it. I knew it was going to be very hard and I wasn't sure if we'd be able to make it work. But we have so far! Some days we only get to talk for a little while, other times we both are free for longer (or we choose to be free for longer haha) and we talk for hours. Sometimes it's hard for me to realize that he's real and that he is my boyfriend. That sounds so strange but at times it's almost like he's a voice on the phone. I know that there is a person on the other end, and I have pictures of course. But still when I see him, it takes me a little while to realize that yes, this is your boyfriend, yes you know him. I'm still getting used to the idea that my Clint is 6'3", has short brown hair, brown laughing eyes, a smile that makes me want to hug him every time I see it...he's a real person! haha I know that it will get easier once we see each other more often. I just feel silly even writing this out :o) God really has blessed me though. He brought Clint to me at an amazing time and I firmly believe that God knew exactly what He was doing. I'm just such a happy girl! :o)
I tried hanging out with Anneka yesterday...I went over to her house for dinner. All she talked about was all of our friend's plans for the next few months...and it was made quite clear that I was not invited. I left her house crying (again! haha). It was so good though because Dannie called me a little while after I got home and said that she wanted us to talk about some things. She's in that group of friends so I'm hoping things start to smooth out. Maybe she has some suggestions. So we're meeting at Panera tomorrow afternoon before we have band practice. I'm so worried about Dannie though...she's had this really bad infection for months now and she refuses to go to the doctor. Now her mom moved to California and she has no insurance. My mom helped me do some research on her options and she can go to UCCS's doctor for under $100. Mom even thinks that her infection has backed up into her kidneys. I'm so scared for my girl. So I called Nate and told him what we found out and he promises to talk to Dannie. If she still says no because of the money issues, my mom and I are paying for her doctor's bills. Because if she ends up collapsing because she gets so sick, the ER won't be cheaper..I know that much. Nate and I have actually gotten closer through all of this drama going on...which is so good...he's an amazing friend and I can tell he's worried about the situation going on with all of us. It'll all work out...I know God has a plan for all of this. Maybe it'll even make us stronger in the end. Plus, I've been spending more time (when I can find it) with some other girls that I haven't spent much time with in the past. So God has a plan and I'm trying to keep on trusting.
Alright...time to get back to studying! Zephaniah 3:17
I have my classes at school which are really kicking my butt this semester I'm sorry to say. With 18 credit hours, I knew to expect this though. I really do adore learning, but honestly, I'm more of a self taught personality. That's what I did all through high school...I taught myself every single subject without any help except in math when I had a tutor for a semester. But now coming here and having people tell me how I'm going to learn something...it's difficult. Especially when I'm so visual. But I'm doing alright. I'm going to push through and I will pass! And I will get my Master's degree. I'm pretty adament on that. Because that's when I feel I'll actually have the opportunity to learn what it is that I'm passionate about and what I want to spend the rest of my life doing...learning how to most effectively reach the lost and motivate the saved to want to reach the lost...and to encourage people! So someday...I will have the opportunity to pour my life into studying that. This now is simply a way to teach me to be disciplined.
Work is going really well...when I'm actually working haha. They are making me a trainer which is good for applications so I'm accepting it. My coworkers are the friends that I have the most fun with. Seriously, I love hanging out with them. I have such a witnessing opportunity there as well. One other girl and I are the only Christians there so it's such a good opportunity. I make pretty good money there as well plus the people I meet! My goodness...I could spend all of my time just listening to people and learning their stories. Everyone has a story I have decided. It's funny because at times, even during class, I'll be sitting there listening to a lecture and I'll begin to wonder about my professors and their life stories. Who are they? How did they get to where they are? Who is their family? What do they love to do when they have free time? It's slightly pathetic in my opinion that I would be so curious and I haven't told anyone about it because they'd think I was trying to suck up to the professors. haha which wouldn't hurt me at all, trust me, I need it, but that's most definitely not what it is. People just fascinate me.
Interning...my goodness. I can't wait to spend an entire weekend with my Freshmen girls. They are like little sisters to me. God has been laying on my heart the desire to get through to these girls what it means to be a godly, young woman. It doesn't even have anything to do with the lessons we'll be having this weekend. But these girls need to know that they are beautiful young women. They need someone to look up to in the way of being pure...how it is possible to be pure, passionate, lovely, and so in love with Jesus. They don't have to be perfect...all God wants, and all I want, is them to be them. It breaks my heart to look at those girls and see self doubt, uncertainty, sadness, masks...I have been there! My goodness I was the epitomy of an awkward teenage girl who felt she was anything but beautiful or sought after. That's what those girls need...they need to know that they are worth being chased after. They are worth getting to know. They are worth being romanced and they are worth being pursued. So many of them don't feel that yet they desire it, as all women do. They are silently begging for attention from the other youth in their lives..both boys and girls. So that is my prayer for this weekend...that somehow God is able to use me to show these girls just how precious they are.
Clint! What a blessing he is to me. What a breathe of fresh air to know that there is a godly man out there with whom I am willing to take a chance on giving my heart to. And it's so much fun! I love just talking, hanging out...doing absolutely nothing! I love it. I've developed what my family calls the "Clint Giggle". According to them I laugh and smile differently when I'm talking about him. Even when I'm not talking about him, they can tell when I'm thinking about him because of my smile. I really need to work on hiding that! haha We're both so incredibly busy and it's difficult to make sure that we actually get some time together, whether in person or on the phone, but we're both committed to it. I knew it was going to be very hard and I wasn't sure if we'd be able to make it work. But we have so far! Some days we only get to talk for a little while, other times we both are free for longer (or we choose to be free for longer haha) and we talk for hours. Sometimes it's hard for me to realize that he's real and that he is my boyfriend. That sounds so strange but at times it's almost like he's a voice on the phone. I know that there is a person on the other end, and I have pictures of course. But still when I see him, it takes me a little while to realize that yes, this is your boyfriend, yes you know him. I'm still getting used to the idea that my Clint is 6'3", has short brown hair, brown laughing eyes, a smile that makes me want to hug him every time I see it...he's a real person! haha I know that it will get easier once we see each other more often. I just feel silly even writing this out :o) God really has blessed me though. He brought Clint to me at an amazing time and I firmly believe that God knew exactly what He was doing. I'm just such a happy girl! :o)
I tried hanging out with Anneka yesterday...I went over to her house for dinner. All she talked about was all of our friend's plans for the next few months...and it was made quite clear that I was not invited. I left her house crying (again! haha). It was so good though because Dannie called me a little while after I got home and said that she wanted us to talk about some things. She's in that group of friends so I'm hoping things start to smooth out. Maybe she has some suggestions. So we're meeting at Panera tomorrow afternoon before we have band practice. I'm so worried about Dannie though...she's had this really bad infection for months now and she refuses to go to the doctor. Now her mom moved to California and she has no insurance. My mom helped me do some research on her options and she can go to UCCS's doctor for under $100. Mom even thinks that her infection has backed up into her kidneys. I'm so scared for my girl. So I called Nate and told him what we found out and he promises to talk to Dannie. If she still says no because of the money issues, my mom and I are paying for her doctor's bills. Because if she ends up collapsing because she gets so sick, the ER won't be cheaper..I know that much. Nate and I have actually gotten closer through all of this drama going on...which is so good...he's an amazing friend and I can tell he's worried about the situation going on with all of us. It'll all work out...I know God has a plan for all of this. Maybe it'll even make us stronger in the end. Plus, I've been spending more time (when I can find it) with some other girls that I haven't spent much time with in the past. So God has a plan and I'm trying to keep on trusting.
Alright...time to get back to studying! Zephaniah 3:17
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
What is love??
I was reading through some old posts and I found one that really made me think. It was from February of 2006, so about a year and a half ago...almost two years.
February 21, 2006
I find myself wondering what exactly love is. What is real peace? What is the kind of love that has you wanting to give everything of yourself for the sake of something else?...for someone else? To me, real peace and love are the experiences we have in life. The silent moments where everything else fades away…the moments that make you gasp in the sheer joy of being alive. When your stomach jumps and actually starts hurting because of something beautiful that someone amazingly special says to you. The surprise and complete joy that is found in the smallest words of love is what living is all about. Silent moments at the park, alone, swinging on the swings and quietly watching a new mother playing with her toddler in the grass. The clouds gently floating across the sky ~ moved along by the gentle breeze that makes you want to close your eyes and simply…fly. The crisp, lonely nights when you get into your car and drive in the darkness…no one else is around. The world seems oblivious to your existence. The streetlights are dim, the breeze dies down…and you’re alone; except for the light on the top of the mountain. That single glow that lets you know that there is someone else. You are not alone even on the darkest nights. When the snow is falling down…heavy…slowly…and you step outside and stand in the middle of the street. All is calm and as you close your eyes and simply take in the simplistic beauty…the simple knowledge that you could stand there forever. Tears start to find their way onto your cheeks as you stand there in the middle of the road on the snowy, peaceful night. You wonder what the future holds for you. You wonder if you will ever have a moment like this again. A moment where you feel so in love with life simply because you are alive. The heavy snowflakes repeatedly find their way onto your cold face yet you feel nothing. The tears warm a path down your quiet face. You are here right now…and that’s all you need. Even the moments of pain can show beauty, love, peace…when the tears relentlessly race each other down your cheeks and find themselves falling onto your pillow at night. Can there not be peace there as well? When you find yourself with your arms held tightly across yourself in a type of hug…a hug desperately hoping and needing…crying out for relief and strength to keep going. When you find yourself lying in bed and all else is quiet except for the cries in your heart. And the questions…the questions that rise from no where and cry out for answers. When you’re lying on your floor surrounded by nothing but space…endless space. And the soft, gentle music that sings out from your stereo. Aren’t those moments times to look back on and think…at that moment in time…I was living. I am alive ~ I experience pain; I not only find, but I look for beauty. And I find it. I find it in silence, in laughter, in pain, in joy. I have found love and peace in the most remarkable places and it is that knowledge…to know that love and peace are mine to find and to hold to…that keeps me going. Maybe love is who you find yourself with…the memories you make…simply…being still and knowing that you are here today for a reason. You are beautiful. And shouldn’t that be enough to have love. Love is who we become as we live, learn, press onwards to the goal God has called us to. God is love…and he’s allowed us to experience little pieces of him. Right here….right now. So grab on tight…experience beauty…accept quiet peaceful moments…and just love.
I was just reading this and at first I yearned for the girl who wrote that. I yearned to be her again and to feel that hope and that innocence. Because that's a girl who is innocent. I wanted so badly to return to being that girl. But then I realized that no...I would never want to go back. Because the views and perspectives that I have today are who I am now. I was just thinking...I wrote this before I had ever been in any sort of relationship. Before I realized the work and the heartache that sometimes goes along with love. This was written before I had been to Africa. Before I saw the hundreds of children with AIDS and then looked at the faces of the ones caring for them. The men and women who committed their whole lives to loving these children...all the while knowing that these children's lives wouldn't be long at all. I wrote this before I held a 7 year old girl trapped in the AIDS riden body of a 3 year old. I held that darling girl and as I looked into her eyes, I saw such pain and hopelessness. Yet I watched that same girl scoot forward next to her aunt while silently asking to be prayed over by our pastor. I held her last March. When I went back in September, she was dead. I wrote this before I heard the testimony of our pastor in Zimbabwe. His story of how he, as a 9 year old boy, walked in on his father after he had committed suicide. How this pastor was beaten and broken but then found Jesus. He is completely in love with Jesus Christ and now he has a church, runs an orphanage, runs a shop from which the proceeds go directly to the orphanage...I have never before met such a man. I wrote this before I learned what it was like to be lied to...hurt beyond anything I could have imagined. So I don't wish I could return to that girl I was in February 2006. I've seen more now..God's allowed me to get a bigger picture. I now realize that love isn't always fluffy and magical. Of course it is at times. But love...the kind of love that never will fade...isn't defined in feelings or in situations. Real love is messy. Real love gets dirty. Real love is fierce beyond all previous experiences. Real love is sacrificing. Real love is a choice. And real love hurts at times. I want to be a girl who goes through life really loving people. I will get hurt in it, I will get dirty, and I may not have the picket fence life that every girl imagines herself having. But I imagine that someday, when I'm dying and about to meet my Savior face to face, I won't regret having loved people with a real love...the dirty, messy, painful, sacrificing love that Christ showed me on the cross 2000 years ago.
February 21, 2006
I find myself wondering what exactly love is. What is real peace? What is the kind of love that has you wanting to give everything of yourself for the sake of something else?...for someone else? To me, real peace and love are the experiences we have in life. The silent moments where everything else fades away…the moments that make you gasp in the sheer joy of being alive. When your stomach jumps and actually starts hurting because of something beautiful that someone amazingly special says to you. The surprise and complete joy that is found in the smallest words of love is what living is all about. Silent moments at the park, alone, swinging on the swings and quietly watching a new mother playing with her toddler in the grass. The clouds gently floating across the sky ~ moved along by the gentle breeze that makes you want to close your eyes and simply…fly. The crisp, lonely nights when you get into your car and drive in the darkness…no one else is around. The world seems oblivious to your existence. The streetlights are dim, the breeze dies down…and you’re alone; except for the light on the top of the mountain. That single glow that lets you know that there is someone else. You are not alone even on the darkest nights. When the snow is falling down…heavy…slowly…and you step outside and stand in the middle of the street. All is calm and as you close your eyes and simply take in the simplistic beauty…the simple knowledge that you could stand there forever. Tears start to find their way onto your cheeks as you stand there in the middle of the road on the snowy, peaceful night. You wonder what the future holds for you. You wonder if you will ever have a moment like this again. A moment where you feel so in love with life simply because you are alive. The heavy snowflakes repeatedly find their way onto your cold face yet you feel nothing. The tears warm a path down your quiet face. You are here right now…and that’s all you need. Even the moments of pain can show beauty, love, peace…when the tears relentlessly race each other down your cheeks and find themselves falling onto your pillow at night. Can there not be peace there as well? When you find yourself with your arms held tightly across yourself in a type of hug…a hug desperately hoping and needing…crying out for relief and strength to keep going. When you find yourself lying in bed and all else is quiet except for the cries in your heart. And the questions…the questions that rise from no where and cry out for answers. When you’re lying on your floor surrounded by nothing but space…endless space. And the soft, gentle music that sings out from your stereo. Aren’t those moments times to look back on and think…at that moment in time…I was living. I am alive ~ I experience pain; I not only find, but I look for beauty. And I find it. I find it in silence, in laughter, in pain, in joy. I have found love and peace in the most remarkable places and it is that knowledge…to know that love and peace are mine to find and to hold to…that keeps me going. Maybe love is who you find yourself with…the memories you make…simply…being still and knowing that you are here today for a reason. You are beautiful. And shouldn’t that be enough to have love. Love is who we become as we live, learn, press onwards to the goal God has called us to. God is love…and he’s allowed us to experience little pieces of him. Right here….right now. So grab on tight…experience beauty…accept quiet peaceful moments…and just love.
I was just reading this and at first I yearned for the girl who wrote that. I yearned to be her again and to feel that hope and that innocence. Because that's a girl who is innocent. I wanted so badly to return to being that girl. But then I realized that no...I would never want to go back. Because the views and perspectives that I have today are who I am now. I was just thinking...I wrote this before I had ever been in any sort of relationship. Before I realized the work and the heartache that sometimes goes along with love. This was written before I had been to Africa. Before I saw the hundreds of children with AIDS and then looked at the faces of the ones caring for them. The men and women who committed their whole lives to loving these children...all the while knowing that these children's lives wouldn't be long at all. I wrote this before I held a 7 year old girl trapped in the AIDS riden body of a 3 year old. I held that darling girl and as I looked into her eyes, I saw such pain and hopelessness. Yet I watched that same girl scoot forward next to her aunt while silently asking to be prayed over by our pastor. I held her last March. When I went back in September, she was dead. I wrote this before I heard the testimony of our pastor in Zimbabwe. His story of how he, as a 9 year old boy, walked in on his father after he had committed suicide. How this pastor was beaten and broken but then found Jesus. He is completely in love with Jesus Christ and now he has a church, runs an orphanage, runs a shop from which the proceeds go directly to the orphanage...I have never before met such a man. I wrote this before I learned what it was like to be lied to...hurt beyond anything I could have imagined. So I don't wish I could return to that girl I was in February 2006. I've seen more now..God's allowed me to get a bigger picture. I now realize that love isn't always fluffy and magical. Of course it is at times. But love...the kind of love that never will fade...isn't defined in feelings or in situations. Real love is messy. Real love gets dirty. Real love is fierce beyond all previous experiences. Real love is sacrificing. Real love is a choice. And real love hurts at times. I want to be a girl who goes through life really loving people. I will get hurt in it, I will get dirty, and I may not have the picket fence life that every girl imagines herself having. But I imagine that someday, when I'm dying and about to meet my Savior face to face, I won't regret having loved people with a real love...the dirty, messy, painful, sacrificing love that Christ showed me on the cross 2000 years ago.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
This is a post from March 29, 2006...shortly before I left for Zimbabwe the first time.
"Tonight I wondered if the stars I'll see in Africa are completely different stars than the ones here. I wonder if African stars are brighter. I guess I'll find out soon. <3"
African stars, I've decided, are brighter. They may not technically be all that different but when you're riding in the back of a pickup truck, smushed in between your new friend from Texas and your new friend from Zimbabwe, all 20 people in the back of that truck bed singing praise and worship songs without holding back and the tears are streaming down your face because you realize that there's no where else in the world you'd rather be...and you look up at the stars above you with no lights on earth to distract from the glorious heavens...the stars really are brighter.
Those moments in the truck in Africa are moments I will never, ever forget. That's where I made my closest friends. I remember sitting next to Willie on the first trip and he just starts singing to me that song, "Friends are Friends Forever." The truck is where I met Mike and we had hour long conversations about life, God, church, evangelism, relationships...Some of my favorite moments were when Dani and I would stand up in the back of the truck while we're flying down the bumpy, dusty, incredibly beautiful African roads heading to a school to show the Jesus Film at night. We would pass the Zimbabwe people on the way to the school and the children would scream and chase after us calling out the Shona words for "crazy white people". The wind would hit our faces and at times it would be so cold...tears would fall out of our eyes because the wind was burning them. But we didn't care in the least. My soul felt energized and my entire being knew that I was receiving a little piece of heaven on earth. I hadn't washed my hair in a week, I was dusty and dirty, I knew the wind in my hair was definitely not helping my condition any...but nothing mattered except living in that moment. Because it was a me and God moment. It was like he put me on that truck in Africa and said, "My precious girl...in this moment I want to adore you and pour myself into you. And I want you to do the same to me. Bask in my love. Don't question it, don't try to figure anything out. Just bask in Me...your first love." I will treasure those moments forever. I was so nervous about that first trip. I almost backed out several times. But I knew that if I did back out, I would always wonder, "What if I had listened?"
The first trip over there was defintely the most impactful trip for me. I remember on the plane ride over I did nothing but read my Bible and pray. I would stop at times and just wonder...'what am I doing? Is this real? I'm a crazy girl.' From London to Zimbabwe I had the window seat and the aisle seat to myself...the only two seats put together. I remember lying across the seats with my Bible opened on my lap just looking outside the airplane window. I remember it because we were directly over Paris at the time. I felt the most incredible peace that I've ever felt in my entire existance. My God, you've blessed me so much! I am so glad that you rescued me from the mundane life I had put myself into...the boring, routine life I found so much comfort in. But the day my parents told me, "Alecia...Lisa Williams from church wants to know if yo'ud like to go to Zimbabwe with her. You won't have showers or toilets and you'll have to sleep on the ground. We know you probably aren't interested but we would feel bad if we just told her no and didn't ask you first,"...that day you grabbed my heart, Jesus. The moment they told me about it, I knew I would be going. Oh, how I dreaded that knowledge. How I hated it. But I knew...and I knew that I could not say no if everything within me knew I had to go. My parents regretting telling me about it for the longest time and when they found out I was considering it...I think I scared them to death. But God brought them to a point where they were good with it...and he brought me to a point where I knew I was doing what I had to do..regardless of my fears. The night before I left for Zimbabwe, I was throwing up I was so nervous. I cried for hours and hours. At the church the next morning...I didnt' cry but I wanted to run away so badly. But then God moved and used every single moment there to teach me something new...something about Himself. The people...so beautiful. Africa has this way of luring one in until it reaches inside your soul and grabs on to your heart...never to let go. How my heart yearns...breaks....I don't have the words to describe how badly I wish I was there at this very moment. Jesus how beautiful you are. I am so glad that you are the same God...my God and my African brothers' and sisters' God. I can't help but look at the stars without thinking of Africa and my calling. Because the stars almost seem to whisper to me...I believe it's God whispering to his children on earth. And if we'll stop for just a moment, he will speak.
"Tonight I wondered if the stars I'll see in Africa are completely different stars than the ones here. I wonder if African stars are brighter. I guess I'll find out soon. <3"
African stars, I've decided, are brighter. They may not technically be all that different but when you're riding in the back of a pickup truck, smushed in between your new friend from Texas and your new friend from Zimbabwe, all 20 people in the back of that truck bed singing praise and worship songs without holding back and the tears are streaming down your face because you realize that there's no where else in the world you'd rather be...and you look up at the stars above you with no lights on earth to distract from the glorious heavens...the stars really are brighter.
Those moments in the truck in Africa are moments I will never, ever forget. That's where I made my closest friends. I remember sitting next to Willie on the first trip and he just starts singing to me that song, "Friends are Friends Forever." The truck is where I met Mike and we had hour long conversations about life, God, church, evangelism, relationships...Some of my favorite moments were when Dani and I would stand up in the back of the truck while we're flying down the bumpy, dusty, incredibly beautiful African roads heading to a school to show the Jesus Film at night. We would pass the Zimbabwe people on the way to the school and the children would scream and chase after us calling out the Shona words for "crazy white people". The wind would hit our faces and at times it would be so cold...tears would fall out of our eyes because the wind was burning them. But we didn't care in the least. My soul felt energized and my entire being knew that I was receiving a little piece of heaven on earth. I hadn't washed my hair in a week, I was dusty and dirty, I knew the wind in my hair was definitely not helping my condition any...but nothing mattered except living in that moment. Because it was a me and God moment. It was like he put me on that truck in Africa and said, "My precious girl...in this moment I want to adore you and pour myself into you. And I want you to do the same to me. Bask in my love. Don't question it, don't try to figure anything out. Just bask in Me...your first love." I will treasure those moments forever. I was so nervous about that first trip. I almost backed out several times. But I knew that if I did back out, I would always wonder, "What if I had listened?"
The first trip over there was defintely the most impactful trip for me. I remember on the plane ride over I did nothing but read my Bible and pray. I would stop at times and just wonder...'what am I doing? Is this real? I'm a crazy girl.' From London to Zimbabwe I had the window seat and the aisle seat to myself...the only two seats put together. I remember lying across the seats with my Bible opened on my lap just looking outside the airplane window. I remember it because we were directly over Paris at the time. I felt the most incredible peace that I've ever felt in my entire existance. My God, you've blessed me so much! I am so glad that you rescued me from the mundane life I had put myself into...the boring, routine life I found so much comfort in. But the day my parents told me, "Alecia...Lisa Williams from church wants to know if yo'ud like to go to Zimbabwe with her. You won't have showers or toilets and you'll have to sleep on the ground. We know you probably aren't interested but we would feel bad if we just told her no and didn't ask you first,"...that day you grabbed my heart, Jesus. The moment they told me about it, I knew I would be going. Oh, how I dreaded that knowledge. How I hated it. But I knew...and I knew that I could not say no if everything within me knew I had to go. My parents regretting telling me about it for the longest time and when they found out I was considering it...I think I scared them to death. But God brought them to a point where they were good with it...and he brought me to a point where I knew I was doing what I had to do..regardless of my fears. The night before I left for Zimbabwe, I was throwing up I was so nervous. I cried for hours and hours. At the church the next morning...I didnt' cry but I wanted to run away so badly. But then God moved and used every single moment there to teach me something new...something about Himself. The people...so beautiful. Africa has this way of luring one in until it reaches inside your soul and grabs on to your heart...never to let go. How my heart yearns...breaks....I don't have the words to describe how badly I wish I was there at this very moment. Jesus how beautiful you are. I am so glad that you are the same God...my God and my African brothers' and sisters' God. I can't help but look at the stars without thinking of Africa and my calling. Because the stars almost seem to whisper to me...I believe it's God whispering to his children on earth. And if we'll stop for just a moment, he will speak.
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